How to buy a cheap horse from Tesco

The last day or so has been rife with the allegations that Horse Meat has been found in Tesco’s burgers. Which has in turn led to lots of shitty horse jokes. So here’s the burning question: Just how many burgers do you have to buy to get a horse?

Let’s have a look at the facts (or, scandalous libel, but just run with it):

According to one of the (TWELVE!) subtitles found in this Daily Mail article on the matter, as much as 29% of the meat in Tesco Value burgers is horse meat. According to Tesco’s site, 8 Tesco Value burgers is 397 Grams. So a simple 397 divided by 8 gives us an overall burger mass of 49.625 Grams, 29% of which is horse, so 14.39125 grams.

Let’s make this a little reasonable. Instead of going for a full horse, we’ll go for a pony, since they’re small horses according to the five seconds I glanced at Wikipedia and decided it was a fact. A useful wiki answers question answered by a completely unknown source (does it even say who asked or answered the question) found via a google search of ‘how much does a pony weigh’ (something oddly lacking from your knowledge graph, google! this is vital information!), a Shetland pony weights between 150 and 200kg. We’ll call it 175 as an average.

175kg is obviously 175,000 grams. A quick 175,000 divided by 14.39125 tells us we’ll need 12160.16676800139 Tesco Value burgers for our horse. We’ll call it 12161. You can have some bonus horse. So since there’s 8 in a box, you only need to buy 1521 boxes. Given the 99p price of one of these boxes when I last saw them, that’s only £1505.79! This lovely  Yahoo answers question (again, a completely reliable source, obviously) says that you might be able to get a shetland pony for anywhere between £100 and £10,000.

£100 versus £1505.79? Hardly a bargain, you might say. But you forget: you’re not just buying a horse. The other 35.23375 grams of those burgers are beef! (They must be beef. It says beef burgers on the box. There couldn’t possibly be anything but beef in them, that would be misleading.) And since this lovely wiki answers question says a small cow weights something between around 275 and 450kg, which we’ll average to 362.5kg, or 362,500 grams, and all those 12161 burgers having 35.23375 grams of finest small cow in, or 428477.63375 grams of cow, that’s almost 1.2 small cows! Maybe she’s a bit porky. We won’t complain. This post on some forum i’ve never heard of says that a cow costs upwards of £1250.

So, for a bargain price of £1505.79, Tesco are offering you a Shetland pony, a porky small cow, and 1521 boxes worth of cardboard?

Tesco, you drive a hard bargain.

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